This year I’m going to put practice first.
This year I’m going to put practice first and do less. I’m going to do less and say “no” to things I don’t really believe in. I’m going to take time off and do activities for the sake of it.
This year I’m going to step down the career ladder and step away from the screen. I’m going to read less news and more fiction and begin to imagine again. I’m going to start dreaming once more and rebuild optimism, for pessimism has no future.
This year I will mark my successes and gloat when appropriate. I will change my name on my bank cards to “Dr” and not feel like its trivial. I will look at the final version of my PhD on my shelf and wonder what else I can create and achieve. I will think too about how to detach from the need to prove myself in academic pursuits.
This year I’m going to stop lamenting the dispersion of friends that were once so close and have faith that connections can bear the distance. I’m going to stop feeling nostalgic for a recent past where I remember living life less carefully, and where emotions felt heightened and bigger. I will remind myself that the confusion of not knowing what you want was never exciting and desire reciprocated is always better than unrequited.
This year I will put practice first. I will work to re-establish practice as my centre, my fetish, to secure order in the pending days of little money and little jobs and little that feels like home. I will dream of travelling to new places, learning new languages and becoming new.
I will find spaces within myself to give time and energy to those who need it and love the best that I can without giving myself away. This year I will put practice first and carve out something small but beautiful, starting with a few words here, in the hope that I will see the world again in light and not only darkness.